The story so far...

The story began with the arrival of Nurse Chastity Belt. She came to work at the Hidden Valley Rancho Hospital and Alcohol and Drug Rehabilitation Clinic. She immediately attracted the attention of Dr. Jake Belmondo and the entire male staff. Would this small town farm girl be able to keep her innocence in Hidden Valley? Richard Fair, the only professional, private black dick in town began looking into Dr. Mammary Lane's mysterious accent. Dr. Decker Black was on the verge of solving the enigma that is Bubble Girl when an ill-timed blow to the head gave him amnesia. "Dr." Brick Stone confessed a lingering resentment. Three years ago he asked O.T.I. Maria Conchita Consuela Conchetta Chaquita Juanita Lopez to bring him a cup of coffee. He better like it cold and bitter. Dr. Jett Black had been keeping late hours in his office. The staff hoped he had not returned to his habit of drinking alone. Some claimed to have heard the laughter of Tiffany Sterling from beyond his green door.

The next week Jacques, Doctor Jake's evil twin, set his sights on seducing Nurse Chastity. Meanwhile, Bubble Girl's admitted that she had a crush on "Dr." Brick Stone, who rejected her harshly. And because of his amnesia, Dr. Decker N. Black was made to believe that his duties include mopping and emptying bedpans. It seemed that everyone had slipped down to the morgue to commit various sinful acts when suddenly the earth started shaking from an 8.1 earthquake. Who survived? Did Decker get his memory back? Did it burst Bubble Girl's bubble?

The next week the hospital staff had to deal with the aftermath of the devastating 8.1 earthquake. The hospital building was badly damaged. In order to finance the repairs, "Dr." Brick Stone began selling Amway products. Bubble Girl's bubble was pierced by a flying phonographic needle. She recovered in the Intensive Care Unit while her bubble was being repaired. Dr. Decker Black revealed that he had been faking amnesia in order to learn more about the secret intentions of the staff.

When the staff was trapped in the basement during a rolling power outage, the only illumination available was Tiffany Sterling's "glow in the dark" bra. Nurse Chastity Belt was discovered stealing valuables from the back of Bubble Girl's bubble. Bubble Girl returned to the ICU while a lock was installed on her bubble.

Dr. Jake Belmondo's ex-wife, Sierra Nevada-Belmondo moved back to Hidden Valley just to ruin his life. Dr. Decker N. Black and Tiffany Sterling discovered the connection between Hidden Valley Rancho, Jake and the disappearance of Pia Zadora. Bubble Girl developed a crush on another doctor since being so cruelly spurned by "Dr." Brick Stone, who seduced Sierra Nevada-Belmondo in the Veterinary clinic. Dick Fair secretly investigated the behavior of Dr. Jett Black, who had been put on probation for drinking. The entire staff heard Dr. Mammary Lane had been abducted by gypsies as a child, which still didn't adequately explain her accent. Meanwhile Nurse Chastity Belt took supplementary training in wound care and the three stages of the scab.

Tiffany Sterling's severe cash-flow problems made her increasingly desperate since her techno-stocks tanked. She attempted to blackmail Dr. Jake Belmondo concerning the Pia Zadora file only to be thwarted by the machinations of Jake's ex-wife, Sierra Nevada-Belmondo, and "Dr." Brick Stone. The accidental meeting of Dr. Mammary Lane and Dr. Decker N. Black at the local brothel was denied by both of them when confronted by Detective Richard Fair. Dr. Jett Black slipped into to his secret lab to drink, unaware that his actions were being monitored by the hidden cameras linked with Dick Fair's spy room. Bubble Girl was unhappy to discover that Nurse Chastity Belt had taken her moped for a joyride and crashed it in the swamp behind the Hidden Valley Rancho Hospital and Rehabilitation Clinic.

Sierra Nevada-Belmondo has been getting her hair done by "Dr." Brick Stone in the Veterinary Clinic. Following the death of another patient Detective Richard Fair and Nurse Chastity Belt have been forced to take a weekend seminar in basic CPR. The chaos caused by the tornado in the emergency room created a paperwork nightmare for Dr. Mammary Lane, while Tiffany Sterling got the hospital board to approve another fundraiser to pay for damage control.

Are Sierra Nevada-Belmondo and her latest lover, "Dr." Brick Stone, still conspiring to blackmail her ex-husband, Dr. Jake Belmondo? Who is behind the recent attempts on Dr. Jake's life? What does Dr. Mammary Lane see in her tarot cards? Is Pia Zadora really Bubble Girl's aunt? How did the rumor start that Nurse Chastity Belt was the Angel of Death? Can Tiffany Sterling keep up appearances since she lost a fortune in techno-stocks? Will Dr. Decker “Nebraska” Black dig up more dirt, or will he just go on another archeological expedition to avoid the shame at being discovered at the local brothel? Has his father, Dr. Jett Black, sobered up enough to be able to tell the ICU from a SUV? Can Detective Richard Fair provide the answers?

Last week started with the famous young star, Rue Green, being discovered showering nude in the hydrotherapy room by Dr. Jett Black. Fortunately his glasses were too steamed up to cause an incident. Tiffany Sterling announced her plan to hostess the biggest fundraiser of the year, the Candy Striper's Ball on August 30, 2001. All funds raised will go to fight debilitating toenail fungus. Decker Black was disconcerted to see Bubble Girl cleaning a gun while in the elevator. Mammary Lane used the tarot to develop her own theory about the attempts on Dr. Jake Belmondo's life, while Sierra Nevada-Belmondo plotted against her ex-husband with his evil twin, Jacques. Dick Fair caught Dr. Jett Black and Nurse Chastity Belt waiting together on the subway platform. Were they really going to Chinatown to dine on raw fish and sake, as Chastity claimed, or was the Doctor about to make another examination? Did "Dr." Brick Stone have anything to do with the disappearance of several patients at the hospital after they had been dispatched by the Angel of Death?

In order to pay her hospital bills, Bubble Girl had been secretly running a call girl ring from her bubble. Fearing that the black dick, Richard Fair, was about to ask for a share of the action, she took off on a Carnival Cruise to the Mexican Riviera. Tiffany Sterling has been selling slippers to raise funds to fight debilitating toenail fungus. It is rumored that some of the staff at Hidden Valley Rancho may be afflicted. Everyone was asked to lease wear a ribbon for the cause and attend the Candy Striper's Ball on August 30, 2001. Black tie not necessary.

The Candy Striper’s Ball and the associated fund raising activities raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for toenail fungus research, but while Tiffany Sterling was distracted at the silent auction, “Dr.” Brick Stone took the cash. After hiding the money in the oil fields behind the hospital, he persuaded Nurse Chastity Belt to leave Hidden Valley Rancho with him to start a private practice in Bakersfield. Dick Fair discovered that the cash “Dr.” Brick stole was actually counterfeit and blackmailed Tiffany for a piece of the action. Dr. Jake Belmondo pined for Chastity and could not be consoled, even by his ex-wife, Sierra Nevada-Belmondo.

Just before the ball, someone stole Sierra's exquisite beaded bronze ball gown and left her a blue bathrobe with a bunny on the pocket. Cross-dressing proctologist Dr. Jett Black admitted that since bronze was his color, he could not resist taking and wearing the gown. It is still being repaired. It was a bad night for Sierra. Later that evening she caught her lover, Decker Black making out with Tiffany. Dick Fair suffered a terrible hangnail during the ball, which ruined his evening and his tryst with Dr. Mammary Lane. Is she or is she not expecting a child? Who could be the father of her baby? It could be anyone at Hidden Valley Rancho, except Dr. Jake Belmondo, who hasn’t gotten any since falling for Nurse Chastity.

Rumour has it that Dharma Suticle has joined the staff of Hidden Valley in order to rekindle her love affair with Jett Black, because, as she puts it "A woman loves a man who trims his nails."

Sierra Nevada-Belmondo has been distributing copies of a tape made of Mammary Lane giving birth in the middle of Ralph's four weeks ago, which prompted a major clean-up in aisle three. Decker Black is currently being held in the Hidden Valley Rancho jail since he tried taking the twins immediatly following their birth. He was caught at the checkout lane trying to decide between paper and plastic.

Dr. Jake Belmondo has given the new mother a promotion and a raise since she prevented his ex-wife from collecting $400,000 in past due child support. Mammary showed that DNA tests could not prove that Bianca is his child, and not the result of a tryst between Sierra and his evil identical twin, Jacques.

Jacques has a grown illegitimae son, Sir Dr. Robert "Neville" Chamberlain. He has come to Hidden Valley to investigate the paranormal disturbance coming from the crib of Mammary's twin babies, Sadie and Thor. Because of his paranormal proclivities, Sir Dr. Neville suspects that Mammary may have no formal medical training.

Dharma Suticle has had her breats enlarged for the third time since Christmas. She was shocked to discover the object of her desires, Dr. Jett Black, having an affair with a candy striper. When she bit his arm, she hurt a tooth, and is being treated by the new italian dentist, Dr. Oral Fixatione.

Tiffany Sterling departed suddenly in the company of a televangelist. She must have forgotten to share the money extorted from Johnny Famous with Detective Richard Fair, because he has left town to hunt her down.

PREVIOUSLY ON SOAP SCUM

Since Mammary Lane gave birth in the middle of Ralph's eight weeks ago, prompting a major clean-up in aisle three, strange things have been happening in Hidden Valley Rancho Hospital and Rehabilitation Center. Decker Black is still being held in the Hidden Valley Rancho jail. He tried to kidnap the twins immediately following their birth. He was caught at the checkout lane trying to decide between paper and plastic.

Dr. Jake Belmondo had a brief fling with Clare Contrary, the hospital lawyer. He claims that her cheetah printed stiletto pumps sent him over the edge. This chilled the warming relationship with his ex-wife Sierra Nevada-Belmondo. She was seriously considering returning to him and having another child, but that was before she caught him cheating with a woman wearing last years shoes!

Jacques, Dr. Jake's evil twin brother, has a grown illegitimate son, Sir Dr. Robert "Neville" Chamberlain. He came to Hidden Valley to investigate the paranormal disturbances coming from the crib of Mammary's twin babies, Sadie and Thor. Because of his paranormal abilities, Sir Dr. Neville suspects that Mammary may have no formal medical training.

Dharma Suticle has had her breasts enlarged for the third time since Christmas. She was shocked to discover the object of her affection, Dr. Jett Black, was having an affair with a candy striper. They tussled and she bit his arm, breaking both his watch and one of her teeth. Fortunately, Dr. Jake just opened a dental clinic at the hospital, so Dharma met the new Italian dentist, Dr. Oral Fixatione.